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  • Magdalena Chauca

Lost

Updated: Apr 5

This is coming a bit out of no where, and I don’t mean to upset anyone at all. But I think putting down what I’ve been experiencing lately might help some other person understand or connect with what I’m gonna try to explain. I’ve been thinking about my father an awful lot more in the past two to three years than I ever have before. And it’s made me feel almost like it’s only now that I actually understand he is gone, isn't gonna meet my kids and he’s not gonna walk me down the isle. In my experience, when you’re quite young and your parent dies, you don’t truly understand what’s going on. So I wouldn’t say you grieve in a way that understands the process of what you need to go through... or push past, in order to continue living a productive life. The struggle almost comes further down the line when you get to an age when you can comprehend what has happened and what you have lost. It almost feels like losing something for the first time when you’re very young, but only being able to start understanding what that thing is when you get to about 18. Which creates that sense of loss for a second time. Or makes you think you might've gotten away with feeling relatively normal, until a wave of grief blindsides you when you start hitting adulthood. And so the past few years have been the only times I’ve been able to really cry for my Dad. It’s only now I’ve been able to be upset with an awareness that includes comprehension of what the pain is actually about. Only now am I experiencing and understanding the very intense burden of it. My life isn't terrible on the whole by any means. I'm so lucky - I have a very supportive family and partner, stable enough finances and reasonably long list of things I love to do. But there's this small part of me that feels a bit lost every now and then. And I think this could perhaps be part of the reason for that.

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